Is your subjectivity holding you back?

Is your subjectivity holding you back?

I adore summer when the days feel so much longer – and certainly the evening light gives one the sense that there is more time to play with. I often feel I have two days in every day – a day at work, then another day when I can do something after work at home, which in my case is generally outside and can therefore continue up until 10pm as it’s still light.

I wonder if you feel the same – and with regards to dating whether you feel the spring/ summer months make it a bit easier to get out there to meet people – especially if some travel is required. I hope you do because it would be the right thing to think.

As ever, the summer months will fly by, so if you want to make the most of them with regards to dating, then purposefully plan that in the next 6 months you are going to get out and meet at least 2 people a month. That doesn’t seem that many but it will certainly keep you very busy – and I am pretty confident that you would have a very different perspective on dating and finding someone special if at the end of summer in to autumn you could report you had actually met 12 new people.

Some people will read this and think there is no way there are 12 people for them to meet judging by the profiles we have sent them. And the reason they think that way is a lot to do with subjectivity. Because you are emotionally bound up with looking at someone’s profile and considering whether they will be suitable for you, you are not really able to assess them properly. It is impossible to be objective about someone else’s profile when you are the person who might get to meet them.

That is why having a good friend or mentor to help you look at people’s profiles is a really great idea. They won’t be emotionally involved and therefore will be able to see the profile objectively – which is exactly what you want.

You have heard me talking about this lots before. And I keep talking about it because it is a really hard concept to grasp – until you have experienced it for yourself. The fact is, unless you have spoken to someone – possibly even met them at least three times, there is absolutely no way you can assess whether they might possibly become a friend of yours, let alone something more. And yet the majority of our members are judging the profiles from a quick read through and deciding not to contact each other because of something written (or not written) in the profile. They are using their subjective judgement on someone and in many cases this subjective judgement will be wrong. FACT.

I am reading Michelle Obama’s book ‘Becoming’ at the moment and I was so pleased to hear her endorsing what I have been saying for a long time. She writes:

“So many of my friends judge potential mates from the outside in, focusing first on their looks and financial prospects. If it turned out the person they’d chosen wasn’t a good communicator or was uncomfortable with being vulnerable, they seemed to think time or marriage vows would fix the problem.  But Barack had arrived in my life a wholly formed person. From our very first conversation, he’d show me that he wasn’t self-conscious about expressing fear or weakness and that he valued being truthful. At work, I’d witnessed his humility and willingness to sacrifice his own needs and wants for a bigger purpose. And now in Hawaii, I could see his character reflected in other small ways. His long-lasting friendships with his high school buddies showed his consistency in relationships. In his devotion to his strong minded mother, he showed he wasn’t afraid of women with their own voice.”

She is talking about character here – something that may be quite difficult to ascertain from a profile – and certainly hard to do when you are subjectively involved. But it’s 100% what counts and what you need to be finding out about.

So set yourself a target of meeting 12 people between now and September – and stick to it. Make the most of every day this summer. Get a friend or mentor to help you to find those 12 people from what we have (or will) send you – and go beyond your comfort zones trying to meet some people who perhaps are not exactly what you think you are looking for.

I promise you, you’ll get some surprises and probably some pleasant ones.

Go for it.