The A to Z of Christian Dating

Q is for Quiet

This article is about various aspects of being quiet.

It’s rare that I talk to anyone these days who doesn’t have a busy life. So many of us seem to have lives that are totally full – and we rush from one thing to another. Perhaps it’s the way we live now, perhaps there are more distractions than ever before, perhaps it’s an unconscious choice we make because we would rather be busy than quiet – who knows the reason. But if you are always rushing around and your life is very full, then chances are you will probably (like me) find it hard to find space in your life to be quiet and to have time for some reflection.

Just like our bodies all need sleep – to recover and regenerate – so I think it benefits us all to have times of quiet where we reflect and think about things.

It benefits us all to have times of quiet where we reflect and think about things.

And this is particularly the case in dating. It is very important and very beneficial to stop, reflect and consider what you’ve been doing, how you’ve been doing it and what progress you have been making. We love the phrase “if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got”. You see if you don’t ever consider what you are doing  – but just ‘blindly’ keep going, then you’re always going to get what you’ve always got. And if you are dating – and not in that relationship that you wanted, then perhaps some of what you are doing needs to change or be amended.

“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got”.

I personally know it’s really hard to sit down and be quiet. I know when I do my mind fills with a hundred things that need to be done – and before I know it I’m back up on my feet rushing around trying to get them all done. That’s why I’ve found sitting quietly, taking some time out to reflect on life, but with a pen and paper to hand is useful – so that when I get those distractions, I can note them down, knowing they won’t be forgotten and knowing I can therefore get back to trying to be quiet and having some reflection time.

It may feel a bit scary to just carve out some time to sit down and be quiet and think about your dating life, particularly if you are someone who has become busy because you don’t like being alone. If that’s the case, then remember why you are going to try to find some quiet –i.e. to help you move forward in dating.

It might help to structure your time – perhaps block out just half and hour a week to be quiet. And then rather than just being quiet with no idea what you think about, to think about different aspects of your dating. Here are some things you could focus on :

  • Is dating a priority for you?
  • How much time are you giving it?
  • Are your dating skills up to date? Do you need to improve any of them?
  • If you are not going on any dates what can you do to start going on some
  • If you are going on dates, how are you doing?
  • Should you be letting anyone know that you are looking for a relationship? Who might you let know if the answer is Yes.
  • Is there any baggage from your past that you  know you need to get sorted? What baggage is this and how might you address it.
  • Do you need healing in any area’s
  • Are you clear on what God wants for your future?
  • Are you spending your time the right way? (Obviously this will apply to lots of areas not just dating – but perhaps if you are a mum and spending 100% of your time looking after your children and you want to meet someone, you might come to realise you need to get some help with your children once in a while to allow you space to date).

These are just some ideas – plenty more will probably come to mind as you still quietly to think about things.

As Christians we may use our Quiet time as a time to pray – and this of course is really important. We talked about Prayer in our last episode of the A- Z of dating but perhaps here it’s less about us doing the talking to God and more us listening to God – being totally quiet in his presence and just letting Him have the space to be with us.

It’s also good to be quiet when you are in a relationship – or in the early stages of dating someone. So many people talk way too much. I personally think listening is one of the least recognised skills we humans have – and something that most of us are really bad at doing. There is no greater gift you can give someone than truly listening to them. I think most of us worry about what we are going to say next – which is why we don’t listen very well. So try practising being quiet in other people’s company and truly listening to what they say. You’ll find it’s a revelation and you will find you find out so much more about them than when you do most of the talking.

And then there’s one of the most wonderful things about being quiet in someone else’s company. The need not to have to talk but knowing you are comfortable sharing a space with someone without the need to fill the air with conversation. When you get to this point with someone else, it’s a great place to be.

So in conclusion, it’s good to be quiet – to be quiet on your own, when you are with someone, and as two people together. Great things can come out of being quiet.

Try it and see. But it won’t happen by itself. Like everything we teach and coach on, you have to be purposeful about it. So if this topic has resonated in any way with you, determine to set some time aside before another week has passed – to be quiet – and see what happens when you do.

A fabulous resource for being quiet and praying about your dating situation is our Open to God Prayer Resource. For more details visit www.friends1st.co.uk/opentogod.