Are your judgments affecting your future?

by Katharine Gray

Are your judgements affecting your future? As you know we spend a large proportion of our time talking to our members on the phone, hearing feedback, giving advice and hopefully encouragement. One of the themes that constantly recurs is members not making contact with the people we send them. Often this is because they make judgments based on what they read in their profiles – they make comments like:

  •  “I don’t like the way he looks” Save & Exit
  • “She doesn’t share any of my interests”
  • “I really dislike X, I couldn’t be with someone who likes that!”
  • “I just know from his profile he’s not for me”
  • “His faith is different from mine”
  • “They live too far away”

While we appreciate how you feel, we have a very important message to get across to you:


and there are almost NO exceptions to this.

Invariably you think you are different – and that your judgments are right. But please believe me, they might well not be – and here’s the most important point. If you make any judgment about someone from their profile alone which leads you to not contact them, then you might well be missing out on the person that is just right for you.

So why can’t you judge someone accurately from their profile?

1. It is almost impossible to capture the true essence of someone in a short paragraph. Some profiles are better than others, perhaps you think yours really gets across the essence of who you are but – in our experience – when we talk to members in detail, or do an ‘enhanced’ profile for them, we almost always discover there is much more to them than the profile reveals. It’s obvious really.

2. We all have preconceptions of things that may or may not be accurate for any one individual.

For example, you read in someone’s profile that they enjoy golf.

Your perception of golf (rightly or wrongly) is that golf is a boring game and that it takes up a huge amount of time. Because of this perception you therefore infer that this person is probably quite boring and spends all their time on the golf course. Since you’re not interested in golf and assume they won’t have much time to be with you because of their golf, you don’t bother contacting them. Actually the truth with this particular person is that although they enjoy golf, they only play it once a month and it’s a very small part of their life which is actually full of other things which they hadn’t thought to mention on their profile.

I can already hear you saying “but I don’t think like this about golf” but this is just an example and I assure you we hear this sort of thing every day – whether it’s in relation to interests, hobbies, someone’s faith, where they live or what they do.

As I was writing this article II had someone on the telephone saying he didn’t want to meet anyone over 35 because they are all ‘old’! This is a) a perception and b) a generalisation. I asked if he’d met all the women over 35 in this country to be able to make an assertion like this and be 100% confident it was accurate.

Take another example: You’ve contacted 2 people who live over an hour away from you and both have said you live too far away. This leads you to think that everyone who lives over an hour away will say the same thing. This is totally untrue. Yes 60% might say that, but if you’re looking for a long term relationship, then the next person you don’t contact because of where they live, might well be the one person who’s looking to move house and doesn’t mind where they live. Unless you find out from each person, you just don’t know!

3. We’ve have many stories from past members who’ve met each other either in spite of an ‘off putting’ profile or without having seen the others’ profile, who’ve then gone on to marry that person. They very nearly missed them!

Take the story of Stephanie and James. When Stephanie saw James’ profile photograph she just ‘knew’ he wasn’t the man for her. She didn’t fancy him and was adamant she wasn’t going to spend the rest of her life with a man looking like that! Somehow he persuaded to get her to agree to meet him and when she saw him in the flesh everything changed. You can read their story in full by clicking here, but remember if Stephanie had stuck by her guns and not met this man (based on how his profile photograph looked) I’m 100% sure she’d still be single today.

Again you have to trust us on this as this is not a one off story – it happens all the time – you only have to read through all the stories on our website to find countless examples of it.

I know you’re reading this thinking “But I’m different” and “That’s all very well, but my judgments of the profiles I’ve had so far ARE accurate”, and if that’s the case, then this message is especially for you.

If you are wondering why you are still on your own, and yet have received lots of details of other Christians looking for friendship and relationships, then there’s a very very good chance you are judging others inaccurately. It’s ONLY when you’ve had some personal contact with someone – a letter, a phone call or an email, that you have any degree of accuracy about what they are like – you can’t do it from their profile alone.

So next time you read a profile and make the decision not to contact the person, try remembering that your judgment about them is based on your own preconceptions, not on the reality of that person. Your preconceptions may be wrong and you won’t know this till you’ve contacted the person yourself.

Don’t make excuses for yourself – this message is aimed at 99% of our members (and that includes you!).

You may think this message is harsh – but we say it purely for your best interests. We know you want new friends and/or a special relationship – and we also know that often the one thing that is stopping that happening is your inaccurate judgments of others. If we can affect that even ever so slightly, then we’ll be helping you to find your desire.

How to be the One

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“I’m happy to not rejoin the Friends First service because I’ve made a couple of good new friends including Sylvia from Caerphilly”

(Clive 68 Retired)

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How to be the One

Serious about relationships - then this book is for you!How to be the one book