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X is for kisses XXX

The A – Z of Christian Dating

X is for kisses XXX

In the last episode of our A – Z of Christian dating we commented on the unfortunate fact that W came so late in the alphabet when it was a topic that needed to come early on in our dating considerations. But now X – which comes almost at the end of the alphabet – is appropriately placed when we are considering that X stands for kisses. xxx. We often sign a letter, card, email or loving text to a friend, family member or someone we rather ‘like’ or love with an x – a sign of our affection, and in the case of lovers, a sign of a physical kiss.

So often when I talk to my single friends about dates they’ve been on, they often tell me that the date ended with a kiss. I’m talking first dates here – and call me old fashioned – but I always think how very inappropriate ending a first date with a kiss is. Let’s keep the kisses to the end of our friendship!

So, you’re on a first date. Perhaps this is the first time you’ve met the other person (that’s often the way when you’ve met them through a dating organisation) or perhaps you’ve got to know them through letters, email, phone calls and / or have been out with them socially, in a group setting, or just not in a date setting.

Now things have changed and it’s just the two of you and you’re on a date! If you’ve been following the A – Z of Christian Dating, you’ll know there’s a huge amount you need to find out about the other person. We talked recently about Values – not too dissimilar to Character traits that we discussed right at the very beginning of the alphabet. These are things that are absolutely foundational to the depth, and success, of your long-term relationship. Yes of course your ‘blood’ is flowing and you may well be ‘attracted physically’ to the other person, but my advice it to keep the outworking of this physical attraction (i.e. kissing) out of the picture at this point.

Think about the days of Jayne Eyre. Couples were chaperoned right to the day they got married…they weren’t able to have physical contact – kissing and the like – until the relationship – and commitment between them – had been formalised in a marriage proposal and acceptance. There were good reasons for this.

You may think a kiss is harmless but as my mother used to say…..and I’ve heard this so very often when talking to people who are dating…..one thing leads to another – especially if there is physical attraction. However wonderful the physical connection feels – at the very early stages of a relationship – it’s just too early! It’s not the right time to be kissing!

Let me back up my point there here by saying God’s way of ‘dating’ is very different to the world’s way. The world says find someone who you are physically attracted to first. (Why do you think sites like Tinder are so popular – and in my view so damaging?), see if you are physically compatible – kiss, cuddle, pet, sleep together, then find out if you can live together and then get married if everything else has worked out OK.

God’s way is (as ever) upside down – i.e. 180 degrees different to the world’s way.

We’re encouraged to find someone spiritually compatible first, then comes compatibility in character and life, then comes the marriage commitment – and only at that point comes the physical bonding.

Do you free pressure to kiss when you’ve been on a date? Wouldn’t it be some much lovelier if we all knew that kissing was off limits at first.? Wouldn’t that make the first (or 1st few dates) so much easier – wouldn’t it take the pressure off.

A kiss on a first date doesn’t need to mean anything. It doesn’t even mean the other person is attracted to you. And in my view, it simply distracts you from working out your thoughts about them.

You might think I’m being very ‘bar humbug’ here. Don’t get me wrong. I think kissing is marvellous – I’m definitely one of those people who get that sex is God’s wonderful creation – made for us to enjoy and glory in each other. But I’m also 100% of the belief that sex has been massively misused in our world and has completely messed us up. In fact, I’m of a very strong belief that that the Enemy/ the Devil uses sex as one of his greatest tools to destroy God’s beautiful creation of humans.

So, let’s keep kissing at the end of where it belongs.

Keep it out of your first/early dates. Take the pressure off your meetings and dates and enjoy getting to know someone without this pressure.

If it turns out you are right for each other, there will be a lifetime of opportunity to kiss and enjoy each other physically. And I you aren’t right for each other, then you don’t need to have been kissing anyway.